The scream

"Milk It" - Nirvana, off In Utero, 1993

of an illegitimate voice

"Neverland" - The Knife, off Silent Shout, 2007

It has ceased to hear itself, therefore

"Snakes and Tea" - Metallic Falcons, 2006

it asks itself

"Little Machine" - Ice Cream Creatures, 2006

How do I exist?

  One of a million poems mix tapes.

I like to read Susan Sontag's diary entries from when she was just turning 26. She's neurotic and impetuous, wrapped up in the imagined details of others. Here is this thinking giant of the Western canon, suddenly reduced to an ordinary, self-obsessed 20-something. (Okay, so Sontag is anything but ordinary--even in her journal, she is a powerful, potent writer and thinker.) Still, it's nice to be reminded that all of us contain (and struggle with) this selfish, hot humanity.

"Smells Like Teen Spirit (Cover)" - Patti Smith

Not sure why, but Sontag is a great comfort to me in difficult times. It's her voice, the familiar music of her intellect. I hope Susan wouldn't mind if I painted some songs over the paragraphs of her young adulthood.

30 December
My relationship to Harriet baffles me. I want it to be unpremeditated, unreflective — but the shadow of her expectations about what an “affair” consists in upsets my poise, makes me fumble. She with her romantic dissatisfactions, I with my romantic needs and longing.. . . One unexpected gift: that she is beautiful. I had remembered her as definitely not beautiful, rather gross and unattractive. She’s anything but that. And physical beauty is enormously, almost morbidly, important to me.

"Love and Happiness" - Al Green

31 December
On Keeping a Journal. Superficial to understand the journal as just a receptacle for one’s private, secret thoughts — like a confidante who is deaf, dumb and illiterate. In the journal I do not just express myself more openly than I could to any person; I create myself.

The journal is a vehicle for my sense of selfhood. It represents me as emotionally and spiritually independent. Therefore (alas) it does not simply record my actual, daily life but rather — in many cases — offers an alternative to it.

"Epitaph of My Heart" - Magnetic Fields, off 69 Love Songs (Box Set), 1999

There is often a contradiction between the meaning of our actions toward a person and what we say we feel toward that person in a journal. But this does not mean that what we do is shallow, and only what we confess to ourselves is deep. Confessions, I mean sincere confessions of course, can be more shallow than actions. I am thinking now of what I read today (when I went up to 122 Bd. St-G to check for her mail) in H’s journal about me — that curt, unfair, uncharitable assessment of me which concludes by her saying that she really doesn’t like me but my passion for her is acceptable and opportune. God knows it hurts, and I feel indignant and humiliated. We rarely do know what people think of us (or, rather, think they think of us).. . .Do I feel guilty about reading what was not intended for my eyes? No. One of the main (social) functions of a journal or diary is precisely to be read furtively by other people, the people (like parents + lovers) about whom one has been cruelly honest only in the journal. Will H. ever read this?

"Goin' Back" - Neil Young, off Comes a Time, LP, 1978

2 January, 7:30 a.m.
Poor little ego, how did you feel today? Not very well, I fear — rather bruised, sore, traumatized. Hot waves of shame, and all that. I never had any illusion that she was in love with me, but I did assume she liked me.

"Three Saddest Words" - Bombadil, off A Buzz, A Buzz, 2008

March 8 (noon)
Via benzedrine, the ever-seeping down impact of Irene, Dr. Puroshottam [Hindu scholar]

last week, this morning’s lectures on Spinoza’s ethics, the long meditation on Kant which began in October, yesterday’s idea of the difference between ‘the truth that’ and ‘the truth about.’

"Nude (Holy Fuck Remix)" - Radiohead

There is no stasis. To stand still is to fall away from the truth; the inner life dims and flickers, starts to go out, as soon as one tries to hold fast. It’s like trying to make this breath serve for the next one, or making today’s dinner do the work of next Wednesday’s as well.. . .Truth rides the arrow of time.

"Moonlight Prizefighter" - Yellow Jacket Avenger, visit their Myspace page 

August 8
Monday Morning. I must help I. to write. And if I write, too, it will stop this uselessness of just sitting and staring
at her and begging her to love me again.

"Bright as Yellow" - The Innocence Mission, off Empire Records: The Soundtrack, 1995

It hurts then to love. It’s like giving yourself
to be flayed and knowing that at any moment the other person may just walk off with your skin.

"Out Like Bats" - Tu Fawning, visit their Myspace page

"Meet Me At The Pier" - The Doves, off Lost Sides, 2003

Sartre was very ugly — and knew it. So he didn’t have to develop “the schmuck” to pay off the others for being “the genius.” Nature had taken care of the problem for him. He didn’t have to invent a cause of failure or rejection by others. As I did, by making myself ‘stupid’ in personal relations. (For ‘stupid,’ also read ‘blind.’)

Rebecca has been listening to these tracks on repeat, so I felt obliged to post them here. But first, I have to say, I experience a serious cognitive hiccup everytime I try to recall this band's name. Republic of Tigers. The Tiger Republic. Hell, even Republic Tiger. But no. It's the The Republic Tigers. GAWD. Did they have to do that?

As for the music, this is straight up Rebecca's alley. Melodic. Expansive. (One reviewer rightly calls the sound "epic yet intimate.")  And all with an underlying 80's synthpop sensibility. (For the record, TRT's songwriting is a little too neat for me. This music doesn't really hold my attention.)

1. "The Nerve" - The Republic Tigers (2008, Keep Color, Chop Shop Records)
2. "Golden Sand" - The Republic Tigers (2008, Keep Color, Chop Shop Records)

Buy the full album here.  

In celebration of the fast-approaching second season of Mad Men on AMC, and the style, arrogance and naivete of the 1960s, I present to you, Simpatico. 1960's signature jazz-pop collaboration with Gary McFarland and Gabor Szabo. I promise, if you can find a way to spin these tracks while drinking a high ball and smoking a Lucky Strike, who just might rip a whole in the time-space continuum and be transported back to 1966.

Gary McFarland, instructs Wikipedia, was a self-taught jazz vibraphonist, composer, vocalist and arranger (self taught, yes, but he did attend the Berklee School of Music for one semester). McFarland's music--at least what I can tell of it--is a mixed bag of skillful artistry and shallow routine.

What's sad is that, decades later, McFarland's contributions to orchestral jazz are largely forgotten. Strangest of all, McFarland's promising career was cut short when he was lethally poisoned by a drink spiked with methadone in a New York City bar. He was just 38.

All About Jazz calls Simpatico an album of "blatant, Beatlesque pop," so elitist jazz afficiandos, consider yourself warned.

Select tracks from Simpatico, each available for download here.  

1. Spring
2. She's a Cruiser
3. Norwegian Wood
4. Ups and Downs

Note: While this album is out-of-print in the U.S. and Europe (and has never been offered on CD), it appears to have been released on CD in Japan.

 

Did you ever notice how leaving a job can resemble the long, painful breaking up of a romantic relationship?

You know you're breaking up with your job if...

1. You go through the various stages of grieving.  Denial, anger, depression, resentment, bargaining, acceptance--not necessarily in that order. Many people get stuck in bargaining.

• "It's Time to Break Down" - The Supremes (2002, The 70's Anthology)
  
• "Move" - Sol Seppy (2006, The Bells of 1 and 2)
• "What a Fool Believes" (Cover) - Self (2000, Gizmodgery)
  

2. If your current iTunes playlist was a person, it'd look like this.

• "Give Me a Moment" - The Long Winters (2002, The Worst You Can Do is Harm) 

3. The self-help books your mother (and Oprah) keep recommending are actually helping.

• "All the Right Things" - The Sheds (2007, You've Got a Light)
  
• "Don't Take It Personal" - The Spinto Band
  

4. You're spending a lot of time in quiet solitude. Possibly knitting. Watching a lot of Sex and the City. Either that, or you're drinking yourself into a stupor.

• "Bodies and Minds" - Great Lake Swimmers (2005, Bodies and Minds)
  
• "Moving Furniture Around" - The Handsome Family  (1994, The Secret Life of Things)
• "Gotta Get Out" - The Bicycles (2006, The Good, The Bad and the Cuddly)
  

5. When you're finally ready to face the facts (that little stage called "acceptance"), you find yourself humming triumphant "I don't need your sorry ass" anthems.

• "You Don't Own Me" - Dusty Springfield
• "Go Your Own Way" - Fleetwood Mac
  

Just returned from a visit with one of my oldest friends, Ben. We spoke a great deal about my spiritual malaise, and the dread that now accompanies me to work each morning. His analysis: It's not my job, but my career.

"Night Like This" - The Cure

Is my chosen career something that inspires me, that makes me happy? Or am I choosing something that's lucrative, easily marketable...and that I could pretty much could do in my sleep? Social media marketing--is it a passion, or a free pass?

"Runnin" - Pharcyde

"Mexican Loneliness"  -  Matt Dillon With Joey Altruda, Joe Gonzalez & Pablo Calogero (Jack Kerouac Tribute Album) 

Ben also reminded me of this--that, not long ago, I was a relaxed, confident person. I wasn't known for being neurotic, anxiety-ridden or depressed. Imagine that! I can't recall a day when my identity wasn't bound up in worry.

"You" - Radiohead (Cat's Paw Sessions, Atlanta, Georgia -1996)

In celebration of old friends and my "cool, confident" highschool self, here's a few tracks from the 1990s that were favorites of mine:

"She Might Be Waking Up" - Shudder to Think (High Art Soundtrack)

"Greatest of All Time" - Archers of Loaf (Seriously love this band, and will post more on them someday)